Doc Mama

And the fun continues to never stop...

2009-11-21T19:42:00.000-08:00

I'm kind of cheating because the Long Island Children's Museum photos are from a month ago, but we have just been on kind of a photo hiatus recently. S. and I have been super busy, and so has B. -- next month he's moving on up to the big boy (preschool) room at daycare. Let's also just get it out on the table -- potty training has totally stalled mainly because S. and I have been too busy to work with him. He's definitely smart enough and I think "emotionally" ready, but he's just as lazy as us. Case in point, we have to drag him out of the crib at 9 (!), he immediately asks to drink daddy's coffee, and then insists on wearing sunglasses into daycare. Sheesh!

And our biggest recent treat was getting to see Yo gabba gabba! live at the Beacon with some old (now new again! yay!) friends, which I THOROUGHLY enjoyed. B's reaction, however, was classic B. that I remember from like a year ago -- he was pretty overwhelmed by it all, and S. spent a large part of the event holding him. Poor dude! Too many lights and people for him. He was able to recover enough for a brief playground/lunch trip after. We'll have to desensitize that kid with an AC/DC concert or something. Oh wait they're dead, right?

Like I could forget Halloween...

2009-11-01T16:30:00.001-08:00

He actually stuck with his first choice costume, which I think he decided in like August, of a lion.

And if anyone's wondering where all of that hair went, it was time. Yes, definitely time for a little trim.

Fall begins

2009-11-01T16:21:00.001-08:00

The year continues...my call schedule continues to get cushier (this will change soon, but for now I'm just trying to enjoy it) and B continues to grow in every way possible...the damn kid can actually reason with me now. SOOOOOOOO frustrating. You know, it used to be enough to just explain to him that the toy store is only open a few days a year...

Outtakes from the Summer

2009-08-30T14:33:00.001-07:00

A few big milestones over the past months...first dentist visit, trying to potty train, and a little vacation to Vermont to see Grandma Nancy.

Otherwise, B. is more talkative than ever, I can actually read a chest xray, and S. is having major success in the comic industry, now taking on Iron Man, Human Torch and his OWN title...amazing.

Just trying to survive the rainiest summer of all time...

2009-08-02T10:20:00.001-07:00

Yep, checked the date and realized I need to post to keep my once-a-monthly thing going...sad, but true.

Residency is in full swing. It is SO MUCH better than last year, hours-wise. Of course, real call hasn't started yet. It starts this Thursday. I'm nervous!! However, in my program we do call with a senior resident until the middle of our second year. Thank god, I don't have to make any real important decisions by myself until then.

B. is getting so big. Don't tell Scott, but it's making me miss having a baby! (Because I am insane.) Apparently, my life of having to go to work every day and many weekends (and still not knowing what the hell I'm doing) isn't enough, and I need to complicate it by introducing another tiny, loud human being who I will spend much time feeling guilty over not breastfeeding 17 times a day. And, apparently I am getting far too much sleep, as my mind is not sending huge, flashing, Las Vegas-size neon light signals that say "NO!! NO!! CRAZY LADY !! NO!" when my mind starts thinking of all things baby.

But I am not too nervous as we are not seriously thinking of even TRYING for another year. I just really feel like I need to focus on work for at least two years before sinking into the darkness (happy darkness! happy darkness!) that comes with a newborn.

Anyway, Scott took B. to feed the goats at the ecology center today while I try and learn a little anatomy. Because sometimes it's really hard to tell someone they have a broken bone in their body when you're not exactly sure of it's name??? Pictures to be posted soon of little dude, and maybe a few anecdotes from the past month. Off to try to put a name to all of those hard thingys in your hand and wrist.

I'm A Radiologist!!

2009-07-04T08:14:00.000-07:00

OHHHHH I am loving it.

I'm scared too. I started residency on July 1, and although it is a very, gradual, general introduction to being a radiology resident, I can see my future.

I am also freaking scared to death. There is so much I don't know, and in just a short month I will be doing junior call on my own. That means that plain films (x-rays of anything in the ER, like broken bones, chests after car accidents, nail gun incidents involving limbs, etc.) will be my responsibility to read in the evenings and overnight. That is incredibly frightening to me -- that it will be my job, without an attending physician checking on me, to literally make life and death decisions about what I'm seeing. What if I miss a broken bone? What if I miss a pneumothorax, something that could cause a relatively quick death?

There is a senior resident there if we need them. But we all know how that goes -- who wants to wake up their boss in the middle of the night? Not the best part of my job.

But other than being pretty scared, and realizing that the learning curve I need to ascend in the next month is the steepest I've ever known, I am so excited about learning all of this stuff. So far the program has been wonderful; they are being very kind to us, with no real call for a month, and my days are generally 8-4, with long lunches. The residents are so relaxed and happy. This is definitely the place for me.

B. is having a little bit of a tough time adjusting as I just spent the last 2 weeks spending about every free minute with him (except for the beautiful weekend that Scott and I got away to the lake house in PA, which was so so needed). But since my schedule is currently so awesome, it's a gradual introduction for him as well.

Trying to think of new developments...there are so many, and it's been a month which is like a regular person's year. He went to the dentist for the first time, and he was amazingly well-behaved. Opened his mouth super wide, kept it open for a full cleaning and polish. No cavities (and he got to sit in a banana chair).

His vocabulary now is insane. There is almost nothing he can't communicate to us. I was not prepared to have another person in the house with a nearly full understanding of everything that's spoken -- no more talking over his head for Scott and I. Right now he's very focused on discussing his emotions, telling us when he's sad or mad.

A few annoying traits are there too. For instance, I think his favorite phrase is "Go away." Basically if you say or do anything he doesn't like (and that is A LOT of stuff) he responds with a "Go away, mommy. Go away!!) He may repeat this phrase hundreds of times.

Posting pictures soon...today we're headed to the PA lake house for some 4th celebrating...and B's first fireworks which I'm expecting to make him pee his pants. Oh wait..he's already got that one covered.

Gots To Get My License

2009-06-06T18:59:00.000-07:00

Posting will be a bit more sparse again as I have a ridiculously rough week of work followed by the need to prove myself via a 2-day medical licensing exam. That should be fun.

In the meanwhile, awesome dad S. will be partying it up with B. at the aquarium tomorrow so I can take a few practice tests and scare myself shitless regarding my abilities to actually pass said licensing exam.

I Admit It, I'm A Lame Ass

2009-06-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

Just sitting around tonight after a long day of work thinking about what a loser I am for skipping out on my own graduation from intern year tonight. It's true, S. needed to get into the city and his mom couldn't take B. early in the day -- so I was needed at home.

I know if I would have planned it better S. could have re-arranged his class but I just didn't get around to doing it, just didn't have the time to plan everything out.

Now I'm texting my co-interns while they're out celebrating, sitting here in my sweatpants. I feel like a total lameass. And I feel like I'm insulting everyone I work with by not being there. Needing to stay home with B. is not really an excuse that flies in the medical community. Firstly, very few of my colleagues have young kids. It's kind of a no-no to have to ever cancel out on work or miss any event due to "family issues." It sucks, but that's just the way it is. Case in point, I have missed not one day of work this entire year due to a sick child/babysitting/snow day/whatever emergency. That's pretty impressive, considering B. has some type of daycare-borne illness about every other week or so. It's also pretty impressive that I work 6 days a week for a MINIMUM of 12 hours per day. It's meant that S. has had to pick up the slack when that kind of stuff happens.

It won't always be this way.

In awesomer news, I had a great night playing with B., running around the house, talking about all kinds of cool shit, and eating french fries. And then we fell asleep cuddling in my bed.

I definitely missed out on graduation, but for some reason, I didn't feel it for a second when B. was with me.

Days Begin

2009-06-02T19:59:00.000-07:00

My last night float went out with a bang -- plenty of sick people, one guy that I can't believe made it through the night...and then I went straight to working on the floors. That's always fun. There's nothing like 24 hours of straight sick people to make you feel awesome!!

Actually I totally lucked out because my attending took some pity on me and let me out in the late morning. I wasn't quite sure how to take his enthusiasm upon seeing me after rounds this morning :"Jesus! What the hell happened to you last night? Get out of here, will you? Get some sleep!" but I took it, I took it all the way home to my big comfy bed.

Upon arriving I discovered my favorite new photographer, B. He's taken some real interest in using the camera. After a few avant-garde experiments, he took that picture of S. Really!

Not so looking forward to my two weeks of floors, but I'll survive, especially knowing that I'M DONE.

I Miss the Mornings

2009-06-01T05:08:00.000-07:00

It's gorgeous out, just before 8am, and I'm just home from the hospital. The most exciting thing that happened overnight was a lady with an insulin pump that kept malfunctioning so I basically had to feed her sugar water and check a finger stick every 45 minutes. I swear, sometimes I feel like I'm doctoring in the wild freaking west with the amount of "ancillary services" that are available to me at night. Anyway, she survived and is someone else's problem today.

But what I mean is that I miss seeing B. first thing when he wakes up. He reminds me of me -- he looks REEEALLY sleepy in the mornings. S. will laugh when he reads this because he will rightly claim that he was always the one up with B. in the mornings, taking him for walks...but I was almost always the one who saw him first, because I fed him and got to look into his sleepy face.

Now he's 10 times as fun in the mornings. He's ready to play, ready to eat, and I get to see him again at this time now that I'm on nights. I'll miss that starting tomorrow, when I'm back on regular day floors schedule (BUT ONLY FOR TWO WEEKS AND THEN I'M DONE, I'M DONE, I'M DONE I'M SO EXCITED I COULD PEE MY PANTS RIGHT NOW). Um, not literally. But kind of!! I'm that excited!!!!!

So looking forward to this last morning with Jack for a little while...really only 2 weeks because then I have a little break before radiology residency starts. No one's up yet. I think I'll be sneaking upstairs soon to make a little noise. Yeah, I'm gonna wake my baby up, what?.

Oh, and by the way, those pretty pretty flowers are in my backyard. Crazy!

I Like Weekends

2009-05-31T18:44:00.000-07:00

Whoah, three posts in a month, pretty exciting stuff.

It's recently come to my attention that this blog could have a greater purpose than just to post some pictures now and then for the grandparents and let everyone know I'm (basically) still alive.

S. and I are always whining about how we don't take enough pictures, don't document enough especially now that B. is around.

Then I realized, I have a great diary already set up. Let's be realistic, there are few visitors to this site and the ones that are here just come for a second and check out some pictures. This is really supposed to be a place for me to document what's going on with my life. And a bonus of it will be that I'll have some records of my days with Jack.

I never thought a day would come when I wouldn't remember such significant events as when he first laughed, or first time he called my mama. I have some vague remembrances, but I am in awe of those blogs which have day-by-day accounts of a life.

This sure beats my unicorn and heart-covered locked diary from 6th grade.

So in this spirit, let me talk about the weekend. Weekends on nights are crazy. I get home Saturday morning and try to fall asleep so I can wake up early enough to spend the day with the guys. Um, by the time I woke up (4pm) the boys had already visited a firehouse, a petting zoo, and eaten bagels at one of our breakfast spots. However, I was still in time to take B. to the Suffolk County Fair.

Not the country fair of my dreams, but I get to witness a remarkable event in any mom's life: her little one on rides by himself. It was hard for me; the little dude was just sitting there in a fake fire engine making small mechanical circles. Did I mention he was by himself? Neither of his parents had a hand on him? Adorable...and extremely frightening for this seriously over-protective parent. But, come on, he's barely over 2!! That seems early for rides by himself, right?? S. didn't think so, and B. was surprisingly happy to sit there on his own.

I'll try to post some pics, they're hilarious. He looks very disturbed by all the goings-on on this thing called a "ride" but screams like a maniac when we try to take him off. Just like his dad, he tends to over-think things a bit.

Quiet Sunday (woke up at 1pm) and we headed to Port Jefferson to walk by the water and eat burritos. B. had a blast climbing on the stone turtles and dolphin by the docks, claiming he was "driving" them. Damn it, I knew we should have left the 'burbs before he could speak.

I would finally like to document my son's blossoming emotional development. Last night as I lay in bed with him, preparing him to head into his room and his crib, with the sweet words "Okay, baby dude, it's time to go night-night," he responded with "Don't talk mommy. You're making me sad."

I have that effect on a lot of babies.

Seriously?

2009-05-29T02:49:00.000-07:00

I just love this look on Jack's face when we want him to do something he considers, how shall we say, "unsavory." For example, in this case his poor dad was trying to get him to sit with the babies for a class picture. Um, B. would like everyone to know that he is a big boy now. Although, as S. discovered, if you refer to him as a "big dude" he will promptly reply with "Daddy, I not a big dude, I a baby dude" which totally brings the house down at the playground. The other dads love that routine.

Nights continue...done on Tuesday morning. Getting so close to the big dark room with pretty pictures!!!!

Still here...sort of

2009-05-23T19:01:00.000-07:00

Alright, no excuses for the lameness of my posting. I'm busy. I work A LOT. Have I not made that clear? Extra time = for B. and S. But I see light...end of tunnel approaching.

I'm on nights right now, it's a love/hate thing. It's a bit more relaxing, but at the same time it is punctuated by moments of sheer adrenaline rush. I tried to take some notes on what I did in the course of an average quiet night covering 60+ patients on my own at night and I'll try to post a brief summary so that my other doctor friends (especially those gearing up to start their intern years) can kind of see what it's like, what you deal with on a typical night.

But for now, here are some pictures of a baby who is really kind of a little boy.

And then the MICU happened

2009-03-29T15:30:00.001-07:00

Yeah, it sucked. It kicked my ass. But I survived...there's really no need here to recount the misery and pain. It's just a lot (A LOT) of hours with bad things happening to what are probably really good people but you never get to know because most of the time they're pretty out of it. I've moved on...

to the VA! A slower pace, but a facility with its own inherent difficulties. Like, getting a cardiac troponin actually drawn within 3 hours of requesting it can be an insurmountable task. Generally I just wander around with a butterfly and collect all the blood I can on my own. Then I go down to the lab and run the CBC, Chem 8...then I build an elevator and ride back upstairs. Okay, I kid...kind of.

I am feeling the definite pain of being SO close to done with intern year but so far...one more week of VA, one and 1/2 months on the general medicine floors, then a dreaded months of nights...and then done! Off to radiology, to sit in the dark...and relax...and get home in time to see B every day!!!

On the home front, B. is freaking talking. I mean, talking. The other day he said "I want to go to the hospital and visit mommy, but I can't." Stop!!! Too much!! When I came home last night and kissed S., he piped up with "I want a hug too!" Two-way conversations are over in our house, we're realizing. It's crazy. I totally need to develop that "child is present" filter that somehow parents develop.

I'm also getting to the point in the year where I REEEALY miss my friends that I haven't seen in forever...Alisa, I want to know how the wedding plans are going...Ben and Joanna, I want to talk to you and hear how the babies are! And I want to see some pictures and compare horror stories from this year, and I want to visit!...Jenny, I'm sorry I missed you this weekend but I will come in again soon...Anna, I am so happy I got to spend that awesome day with you and can't wait to see you again...Cat, B. is still talking about Radek and how he shared his toys...Karen I bet the next time I see you it will be at Alisa's wedding, but maybe sooner???

Total Bitch Session

2009-02-12T18:45:00.000-08:00

It's about that time of year when many interns get super pissed off, exhausted, and stressed. And I am no exception. I'm more than half-way done, and THANK GOD.

I mean, this is not a healthy way of life. After my 14th chest cold, I started to realize that maniacally washing my hands 40+ times a day just isn't enough -- I have no immune system left BECAUSE I AM SO STRESSED OUT. I don't eat enough, I probably take in about 40cc of fluid every 24 hours, my back is aching, I haven't exercised in 6 months...the list goes on.

Okay, I thought I was done but I have to bitch some more.

I mean, is this any way to treat people that are responsible for taking care of hundreds of patients (sometimes at one time, like for instance when I'm covering nights for the medical floor???) Let me tell you, I am not at my best on a good day when I've had 6 hours of sleep. Can you imagine making a crucial decision about someone's health after being awake and working in a high-stress environment at hour 23? Because that's me several times a month. You do not want me deciding on which antiarrhythmic to push on you at hour 23.

The hospital I'm at is part of the problem. We are under-staffed and disorganized. There is no way that I can take good care of 12 patients on a good day, 24 when I am by myself on a weekend. It's just not possible, no matter how much sleep I deprive myself of. Every morning I come in to 8 new patients, half of whom I will inevitably discharge that day, and it's stupid and exhausting. Like I said, poorly organized. I'd like to know what it's like at other hospitals -- I have a few friends that I'm in touch with that are in their intern year of medicine, but not many. Most of my friends were smart enough to enter other medical fields, or are at least are at excellent medicine programs. Me, I just have to get through this year before entering my happy, happy radiology program (which, don't get me wrong, will still be tough, but nothing like this torture).

Okay, I think I'm done. I've just had a really stressful couple of days. Sigh, back to the jungle tomorrow...

Reality Tastes Good

2009-01-31T11:16:00.000-08:00

You know what? My kid loves McDonald's, or Big M as he calls it (which invariably sounds like BM, which invariably results in my laughing every time he asks to go there).

This is something I did not plan for, or expect. For god's sake, I used to pride myself on my ability to cook and eat healthy foods. I hadn't actually eaten fast food in OVER 15 YEARS before I was pregnant with B. And I'm not trying to sound like one of those annoying people you're afraid you'll run into at Whole Foods, but I did plan on only feeding B. primarily organic, homemade foods.

Let's just say my standards have slipped a leetle. For one thing, B. has been a small guy from about 6months on. We were at one point encouraged to just get ANYTHING slightly resembling a food-like substance into his mouth, and the fattier the better. My poor pediatrician was like "Give the kid a doughnut, already!" He was an underweight little dude, despite our best efforts.

So when I discovered that he would slam a nugget in 2 seconds flat, it was a happy day. At first. B.'s percentile changed gradually over the course of his first year, and he is now 10% for weight, which is a great improvement for him -- he's still a skinny dude, but partly because he's tall for his age.

But the kid remains addicted to BMs(ha, ha, snicker). And you know what? I'm over being worried about it. I do hope that gradually he will not be so attracted to the place, and that he'll want to eat what we're eating for dinner. Not that we're health nuts, either...we eat a variety of pretty much everything, meats, tofu, lots of vegetables.

But for now...Saturday Big M is something I can't stress over.

And okay, have any of you tried a Big M fry lately? THEY'RE F**ING DELICIOUS.

Almost one year ago...

2009-01-26T19:12:00.000-08:00

We had a birthday party for B. who turned 1...and that means (oh my god) I now have an (almost) 2-year-old.

Sadly,my first thought was...I am so old.

And then I thought... second year was easier than the first. Baby-wise, that is.

I know why my first thought was about aging; it's because intern year has definitely aged me. There's no way around it: the long hours, the regular daily stress, the additional add-on stress of codes and emergencies, the no-eating thing. There are ways to do this better, and I'm slowly figuring them out. But today, I'm feeling the pain.

I'm also totally convinced that interning is turning me into a reeealy boring person. I literally have to struggle now to have a conversation with anyone outside of the hospital. I have no topics -- I haven't seen a movie or read a current book in forever (and I'm totally not counting my DailyLit subscriptions that I sneak read on my Blackberry during rounds).

For the next two weeks I'm on the renal team. That essentially means taking care of patients whose kidneys have failed and are now tied to an endless cycle of weekly dialysis with all of the medical problems that go along with it. I'm embarrassed to admit that I kind of like the renal team; I have fewer patients to deal with because they are so dang complicated, and we round early in the day so I have some time to actually like, take care of them. I am also somehow very attuned to the sadness of being a dialysis patient. There are some conditions where, I'll admit it, I cannot completely (okay, even moderately) empathize with the patient -- drug abusers come to mind, as well as smokers who are admitted for heart disease or COPD. I'm not proud of it, but I tend to have less patience for these situations. But I do feel pretty bad for anyone on dialysis, even if you were just a diabetic that couldn't put down the oreos and that's what caused the problem...because being tied to a dialysis schedule for the rest of your life, man, that just sucks.

So I will be tending to kidneys for a little bit, and celebrating B's two (two! amazing!) years in about a week. Hello, terrible twos...

Hopeful

2009-01-20T14:39:00.000-08:00

Today was a pretty big day for the country -- and I'm sorry to report that I spent it lying on the couch in agony and running to the bathroom roughly every 8 minutes. Yep, it's that time of year for me again. I have no good idea why, but in Dec-Feb I become VERY susceptible to any tiny GI bug that's around.

And, with, um, working in a hospital and having a baby in daycare, that's a lot of bugs.

It's been pretty horrible, since SATURDAY, for god's sake. I'll lay off of the details for now so as not to ruin anyone else's happy Obama day. Let it suffice to say that Gatorade is my bestest friend.

I'm not too sick to be happy and thrilled about the start of a new era for our country with our new president. I feel so much better about the future, especially for B., and even the future of healthcare. Everyone in the field knows something major needs to change. People like to joke that one of the reasons I chose radiology is the big bucks, but I know that the system is broken -- we can't be reimbursing 10 times as much for an MRI than we do for a primary care doctor visit to deal with multiple and complicated medical issues like diabetes and hypertension.

Anyway, that's my daily soapbox, I have to get off now to visit the ladies' room. I just want to say one more time that I'm so happy and proud of our country today, and I'll be thinking of things that I can do to help get the US back on track.

Not exactly what we meant by the phrase "Use the big boy potty"

2009-01-11T17:04:00.000-08:00

Ahh, kids...I can't even believe we're approaching the age where B. will be out of diapers. Not that we're super close, as you can see from the photographic evidence. Jack was SO excited to get a potty...we were so excited that he was excited! We thought, what a milestone!! No more diapers, soon...our boy is growing up!!

Until we realized that his new obsession with the mini-toilet has to do with the fact that when you remove the white insert and put it on a toddler-size head, it (apparently) greatly resembles a fireman's helmet.

?

Yeah, we were not convinced either, but B. loves to parade around with his "wheeooh wheeooh" hat. Classy.

In other news, I am kinda getting the hang of this intern/mama thing. (Kinda.) I am SO super fast now. As my wonderful med school friends (hi guys!! That was so much fun seeing you last night!! I super celebrated by finishing off the other bottle of wine and passing out on the couch and waking up just in time for rounds today!) know, I was bitching about having to show up to 24 patients to take care of all on my lonesome today. Well, I DOCTORED those patients, damn it...pre-rounded, rounded, wrote all of the notes, tucked everybody in, got the heart attack/broken hip lady taken care of...and got home by 3:30pm. And, oh, did I mention I found a little time to do some board review?

Yeah, I'm figuring this out.

Note to over-confident intern self: try to keep today's events in mind tomorrow night, when I am stuck in hospital for 17.5 hours, struggling to just get patient electrolytes replaced by 7pm.

Holiday Blur

2009-01-07T18:50:00.000-08:00

It's been quite a rough few months...but we still managed to get together with family and have a brief holiday. We had to reschedule it for the 27th, but I have wonderful and accommodating mom and sister who didn't mind moving our Hanukkah/Christmas a few days so that I could see the look on B's face when he opened up the robot he was hoping for, and what he refers to as a "blue wheeoo wheeoo." (Translation: police car with siren).

It's even better to see the look on my mom's face. She doesn't get down here to see him much, as she's a busy working lady, but it's so nice to see them together. And now B. thinks that he has a grandma that lives on a boat, as she takes the ferry to get here and back, which is totally awesome. She's like a pirate grandma.

Anyway, much affection to everyone out there keeping in touch by reading the sparse updates here...I'm halfway through this crazy year, and keeping it together somehow.

It's oh so quiet...

2008-11-12T20:26:00.000-08:00

Well, not really. I'm on nights again, and it's always a little bit busy. Mostly as soon as I walk in...that's when the patients like to go apeshit. It ranges from "um, doctor, this patient is bleeding from their tracheostomy. Like, a lot." to "I need an urgent order for lactulose sent up! This patient hasn't had a bowel movement in two days!!"

It's up to me to triage the above...and just try explaining to a covering night nurse that her poor constipated patient may not get that order for a little while, at least until I'm able to remove both of my blood-soaked hands off of bleeding guy's spurting trach...it's a delicate balance, this night float thing.

Plus, late hours like this invariably get me to thinking about why anyone is assessing constipation at 4am...oh wait, hold that thought. Getting a page.

I kid you not: real time page to let me know that a patient refused their senna tonight. And could I come down and do something about this travesty. FYI, senna is another med given for constipation. When asked why the patient is refused his senna, I was told "because he's having normal daily bowel movements." I can't make this stuff up. I'm thinking of asking the patient to cover for a few hours so the nurse can just get into his bed and sleep off whatever she's been smoking this evening, because she is clearly alert and oriented x 1 tonight.

oooh, another page. Hold on.

This one was to come up and correct an order written by an esteemed colleague, so that the patient could have their thyroid meds tonight.

Just a minute in the life...and meanwhile, Scott and B. are curled up resting in their beds...wish I could join them!

More pics

2008-10-18T18:30:00.000-07:00

Reign of Terror

2008-10-18T18:16:00.001-07:00

So yeah, I've been gone for a while. I mean, life was still going on in the way that intern year does...every week I'm marking off a little box to check my progress.

And all the while, as you can see, Jack grows into a little boy. I've been able to spend a remarkable amount of time with him, I mean, remarkable to me. I thought I'd never get to see him. But it's been okay; I'm making it work at the expense of sleep.

We've had some amazing Fall days, and each weekend we pretty much try to get to a different farmer's market to get yummy stuff and let Jack hang out in a wagon, his newfound favorite pastime.

He's such a little boy now. He's driving me crazy -- in every way possible. I'm crazy in love with him!!

But he's also driving me insane with his crazy almost-two-year-old antics. He's such a little tyrant...just try handing him the wrong juice box, or suggesting that he might want to put on a sweater. You will feel his wrath. We're also having this little problem with hitting. If there are any other moms out there that are experiencing this, let me know! He hits me! And his dad, but me mostly. And I mean, in the face. It's bad, I know. When he gets angry, he runs right over and tries to hit you as hard as he can. Now, he doesn't do this to anyone but his closest family members (um, and his most beloved daycare caretaker). But it's really making me a little stressed and sad and um, SO embarrassed to take him out in public!

So there's the good and the bad...I'm just hoping he grows out of this stage.

One Week Down...

2008-09-01T11:37:00.000-07:00

and one more week of vacation to go. So I've managed to do some small things on this break (change doorknobs, unpack the guest bedroom, clean up the playroom) and some bigger things (play with B. at least 8 hours a day!)

It's going by way too fast. When I get back, I start on nights. In the ICU (that's Intensive Care Unit to you lucky readers who know nothing about such a thing, or who never watch Gray's). That's going to suck. And then I have two weeks of the Heme/Onc team (which is basically treating cancer patients). That's not going to be much fun either.

B. and I have had some fun at the nearby Ecology Center. He looks pretty danged excited to stick his head through that piggy. By the end of the day, I couldn't tear him away from those stupid cut-outs. Beware what you ask for, mama...

Out of retirement

2008-08-30T10:19:00.000-07:00

Wow! I haven't posted in a month! Okay, so maybe the above picture will help. It shows what I was working with here in this new house. Gross, wall-to-wall green carpeting. And look at that overhead light!

So we've done a lot -- new hardwood, etc...but still so much more to go.

And it appears that apparently 100+ hours a week is here to stay for this year...so I'm doing little things when I can.

And I miss Bean! Now that I have a little vacation time (my last until June) I am trying to spend every minute with him. I was gone for so long, it took him a little bit of time to get used to me again. That was hard. He would get SUPER excited the second I walked in the door, and then a few minutes later would get suddenly angry and start acting out. It was pretty clear that he knew I'd be leaving him again, and he didn't know how long it would be until I'd be back.

So that has been a struggle so far this year. When I am able to be home and spend some time with him, he gets comfortable with that. Then I have to leave again and I worry that I'm damaging his sense of security. Thank god he has his dada, his bestest friend in the whole world. He is LOVING on Scott lately...it's pretty wonderful to see.

And just this past week, after a few days of being home with him, he totally broke my heart (in a nice way!) by looking up at us while we were jumping around on the bed with him and saying a new word :"Happy, Happy!"

Isn't that so cheesy? I love it.

Moving Discombobulation

2008-08-02T20:09:00.000-07:00

We are still living out of lots of boxes, since I am working a million hours a week in Cardiac Acute Care...which is killing me slowly, every day. But in just 3 short (if backbreaking labor in the pits of hell can be interpreted using standard definitions of time) weeks I'll be on vacation, and I can fix up the house a little bit and find more than 3 spoons and my second pair of good work pants.

Oh, and I feel the need to share this tidbit of too-much-information: one of those damn sick patients gave me some kind of GI bug. It wasn't daycare or Jack because he's fine so far.

Do you know what it's like to take care of other sick people's needs when you have to run to the bathroom every 10 minutes? No? Well, I hope you never have to find out. And I promise to never blog again about my bowels.

I elect to leave early every day...

2008-07-24T20:33:00.001-07:00

Yep, I'm on elective. So I have LOTS more free time, at least until Tuesday, when I start in the cardiac intensive care unit. So I've been filling up my free time with hanging out at the lake (as seen in the above photos...look how big B. is getting!)

and moving into our new house!

Yep, we bought it. And for the past week we've been cleaning it and fixing up a million little things...we even put in hardwood floors, new carpets, and painted most of the inside.

So now we have $2 in our bank account. That's okay, B. only eats cheerios anyway.

STAT page for a senior resident

2008-07-09T18:24:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to share a quick glimpse into my day:
(DISCLAIMER: any patient names, genders and other identifying factors have and will always be changed to protect the innocent souls thrown by twisted fate into my barely trained path)

Mr. S is a homeless guy, big drinker, who came in for huge swollen knees. I was fortunate enough to get to drain all of the excess synovial fluid from his knees! It was cool. We were friends. After I took care of his knees and worked on getting him some meds for hypertension and stuff like that, I did lots of paperwork to get him back out on the streets.

Then I got the page. A radiologist called from the bowels of the hospital to alert me to a worrisome finding on Mr. S's CT scan -- there appeared to be some "air" in his scrotal sac. Some air that shouldn't be there. Air in this area can be dangerous.

Like I said, Mr. S and I were friends. And did I mention he was currently "between homes"? Let's just say I had been in close proximity to his knees, and they did NOT smell good. Can you JUST IMAGINE what his apparently air-filled scrotum might smell like??? I've got no problemos with a good old genital exam, but I have a VERY delicate sense of smell. Definitely too delicate for the job at hand. Just call me Princess Intern.

Thank god for my senior resident. I adore him. After stepping in for me and feeling up Mr. S's "areas", then declaring them sound and air-free, he sent me a lovely page: "Balls okay. Can send home now."

Just a day in the life...

This blog is suffering, but not as much as me

2008-07-04T17:33:00.000-07:00

Whoah. I've worked sixteen-hour days every day since Tuesday. I wake up at 4am, get to the hospital by 5am, and leave around 9...pm, that is.

What can I say? It's hard work. We don't sit down for more than 3 or 4 minutes at a time. I don't usually eat any food, drink any water, or go to the bathroom during the day. I try to keep snacks, and a few power bars in my pocket. I'm trying to figure out the no available liquids thing, but it's really helping with the no bathroom break issue. I know it's going to get better, but right now I take care of at least 11 very sick patients, with constant needs and changing conditions...and on the weekends and every 5th night we take turns covering the entire medicine service, which means I am personally responsible for everything from diet change orders to middle-of-the-night heart attacks for about 90 patients.

Yep, just me and 90 sick people.

Totally insane, I'm telling you. It doesn't help that I feel so incompetent...I barely have time to remember any factual medicine because I'm so busy looking up the right dose of anti-nausea drugs for Mr. M who's just back from his cardiac procedure, to getting constant pages about Mrs. L, whose BP just won't get down from 185 no matter how many IV pushes I stand there and give her...am I painting a clear enough picture? I guess just imagine a constant barrage of immensely important tasks and paperwork (because EVERY move that I make needs to be documented in the patient's paper chart, as well as the online record).

This is weird...but I'm kind of loving it. It's constant action and work all day long. I know I'm going to burn out fast, but the good thing is that they move us around almost every 2 weeks. So July 15th I am on pathology elective (THANK GOD) and then early August I'm off to a month of the cardiac intensive care unit (PLEASE GOD A THUNDERBOLT DESTROYING THE UNIT IMMEDIATELY BEFORE THAT DATE WOULD BE GREAT).

However, the missing of Scott and B. is immense. Most of the day I can avoid thinking about it, but when I get a text or message, or when I see a little boy visiting, I really have to hold back the tears sometimes. Scott is doing an amazing job as basically a single dad right about now...man, I'm lucky to have him for this crazy year.

Ahh, the fine art of doctoring

2008-06-29T15:01:00.000-07:00

I was just re-reading the last post and kind of laughing to myself. Because it sounds so SERIOUS and IMPORTANT and the funniest thing is that I haven't even, like, touched a patient yet.

As a matter of fact, tomorrow they are sticking all of us new interns into something called the "Sim Center" where we will have mannequins equipped with monitors and vital signs who will "crash", thus necessitating us to "run codes" on them, or some such nonsense. That just means we have to take a fake dying patient and save them by starting CPR, calling the right people (oh wait, I am the right people now), giving them the right drugs, etc.

And then we're going to poke them a lot with big needles to learn how to put central lines (direct access to big veins) in them. Aren't you glad you're not going to the hospital tomorrow? Don't you totally want someone like me, who will have performed the previous mentioned EXTREMELY IMPORTANT LIFE-SAVING MANEUVERS on a dummy for like, maybe 4 hours?

Just call me Dr. J.

PS
I promise to post a full report about what actually happens on my first day as a real live doctor, 7/1/08.

If I don't call a code on myself first that day.

So many things

2008-06-25T14:26:00.000-07:00

So much is happening, and there is so much to say.

Incredibly, somehow, Scott and I are about to become homeowners -- in this market! A writer and a resident -- we found a place we really like, and we even found a bank to "give" us lots and lots of money. So while I'm busy lately from before dawn to dusk, I'm still trying to get a move together and get things repaired, even try to think about some decorating ideas...it's too much right now, but very exciting.

On the sad side, I haven't seen B. since last night and I won't see him again (awake, that is) until possibly Friday. This has been very hard, and neither of us is taking to it. I did get to see him for a little bit yesterday evening, but I was gone long before he woke up this morning, and since Scott is teaching tonight, he and B. are in the city with the g'parents. Late tonight he'll bring him home, and I'll touch his little head, but that's about it. Same deal tomorrow -- I'm thinking of trying to somehow get out of this "mandatory" intern dinner with the department tomorrow to get home and see him for a few hours, so he doesn't forget who I am! Oh, this is hard. And B. is so amazing now when I see him after a long while -- he really misses me! He's very cuddly and kissy...but his cranky side is there too, and he is not happy about this change in his life.

I miss that little guy's laugh and the way he just latches on to any word he hears you say now, and repeats it over and over. Like "gobble" or "wheeee."

The hospital is such a world unto itself -- you are just a different person there. You're a doctor to your patients, a student to the attending doctors, a colleague to your fellow residents. There isn't one second to think about the outside world. (There isn't even one second to eat!) At the same time, you feel like you are doing what you are meant to do. The few skills I have, I'm using them...every day, every minute. What a difference it is now to be the "doctor", to have no one looking over your shoulder, checking your medication orders, advising you on the right treatments. Not that we're on our own out there, but when you need help, you have to seek it.

It's a different world for me these days. Trying to get used to it all!

Borientation

2008-06-18T18:06:00.000-07:00

This week has been nuts so far...it's not that they're working us hard or anything (days are short, we're basically sitting around, getting fed bonbons and coddled) but I never thought about the sheer amount of paperwork and organization necessary to get 30+ brand new medicine interns ready to take over a hospital July 1st. Not to bore you with any details, but it ranges from getting parking access (imagine needing your license, registration and insurance card plus THREE forms) to getting PACS access (this allows you to view imaging studies like xrays, mri's, etc., on a computer remotely or in the hospital) to learning the charting system, to setting up coverage and call schedules...the boring list goes on and on.

Good thing they're giving us all a break Friday for group kayaking! I swear, if I end up with even a sunburn...

The best part about orientation has been I now officially have my own business card! My very first Dr. card! I love it. My title is even incredibly cool-sounding: "Clinical Assistant Instructor). What a lie! I couldn't even instruct anyone in this hospital as to where the bathrooms are!

Three words

2008-06-12T15:59:00.000-07:00

So just a quick note to say that I finally have my schedule -- that is, for my next two weeks of orientation. My program was SUPER speedy and gave it to us a whole 4 days in advance! Wow! Of course, I still don't have my schedule of rotations for the entire next year, but I guess they are just letting me know that the basic idea is my time is theirs, to do with what they wish. They'll let me know what I'm up to whenever they feel like it.

Oh, and three words: orientation kayaking trip. I shit you not. Did I mention it's mandatory?

Oh my god

2008-06-08T19:37:00.000-07:00

We're back! What can I say? We are a very, very lucky little family to be able to take such a luxurious vacation to the beautiful state of Hawaii...it is just an amazing place. That said, OH...MY...GOD.

I was on TWO 12-hour flights with a toddler. Who did not sleep. Who spent hours screaming, screaming his head off. Thank god for airplane bathrooms (um, never thought I would say that) because Scott and I spent many hours in the teeny tiny bathrooms holding a screaming, exhausted, out-of-his-mind B. So the other passengers traveled in comfort. Do you know how many things you can find to amuse a little dude in an airplane bathroom? I am basically now the Inspector Gadget of the Continental Airlines 767 restroom. By the way, the answer to that question is 7, if you include the changing table.

So I will now officially NOT complain about the difficulties of having a little guy on vacation, because after adjusting to the 6-hour time difference, he had the time of his life. I'll try and get some more "beachy" pictures up there later.

And it was our last big hurrah...I have orientation at the hospital beginning June 16, and the next week will be filled with trying to buy a house. Yikes.

And catching up on sleep...oh, did I mention I've been up with a crazed baby for the past 47 hours...oops, one last whine slipped in.

And We're Off

2008-05-28T16:44:00.001-07:00

Well, tomorrow afternoon the three of us (oh, and my in-laws) will be on a 12-hour flight to Hawaii.

Am I a horrible person for not wanting to go? I am just terrified of this trip -- and I feel like a spoiled brat. I am just NOT looking forward to the many hours trying to deal with B. (who is not a good traveler, to say the least) and then arriving only to spend the next 3 days of our 10-day trip getting him on a new time schedule. Let's just say that if you could look into my little Google search window you'd see the phrase "how long does it take children's benadryl to work???"

Not to mention that Scott suddenly discovered he's teaching this summer, we're still desperately trying to get into contract on the new house we're (hopefully) buying, the gazillion pounds of paperwork apparently necessary for me to begin my residency, and several other stressors affecting Scott's family...

Let's just hope that the next post you see is a photo of me in my new coconut bra on a surfboard and not another rant about how stressed I am. Off to finish packing...

CBS Evening News Flash: Rebel Baby Refuses to Leave Swing

2008-05-21T20:11:00.000-07:00

B. states that from here forward, he will live in this swing, until all swings are free. Or until you give him a poptart for dinner. Power to the babies, he says.

Seriously, he may have already spent a quarter of his life in there. I hope he doesn't develop any strange deformities that require serious plastic surgery...is there any such thing as "swing butt"??

Will I ever really be oriented?

2008-05-17T14:22:00.000-07:00

So this weekend brought my orientation packet from the hospital. And you know, it doesn't bode well. It's got all kind of "requirements" in it -- like, prove I don't have infectious diseases, and that I can resuscitate someone. That's really hard stuff! Further, the hospital in question that hopes to orient me, has forgotten to include a sh*tload of paperwork that they demand I send in in about 4 days.

Now that's planning.

You'd think if you were going to send a bunch of terrifying documentation like that to a novice doc, you could at least include a smiley-face sticker or something. Yeesh.

In other news, I think we are buying a house! Our attorney received contracts from the seller end of the week, and he is looking them over. We will probably sign off early this week -- we are excited and also, peeing our pants. Because we've never had to take care of a house. And oh yeah, I basically will cease to exist at home starting July.

Like I said, peeing the pants. With no sticker, sigh...

Real Estate is hard

2008-05-14T06:58:00.000-07:00

We've really been going through it the last month or so. Somehow, we have become those home buyers that realtors like to call "MOTIVATED." As in, don't worry, they're not going to haggle too much about asking price, and oh? there's no indoor plumbing, that's cool, we can work around it.

Anyway, in our price range, we'll definitely be looking to re-do some stuffs, like bathrooms and carpeting and kitchens. Fun! Actually, we are kind of looking forward to doing that stuff -- but very gradually.

It is true insanity to suddenly become a homeowner days before beginning intern year. But we are just that insane, I guess...

hoping to have some exciting news by the end of this week, but I won't post anything just yet because I don't want to jinx this third-time's-the-charm situation.

But I would love to have a bathroom just like the one pictured above. Small, contemporary but not too modern (the house itself just doesn't have the bones to go all out Swedish mod like I would love to)...and those sconces have to go. But you get the idea.

It's good to be mama...

2008-05-12T12:40:00.001-07:00

Even if you don't get called mama.

So yesterday was mother's day, and it was very nice. Lots of celebrating of mothers. It was funny, B. didn't get the memo, I guess...he was a little extra cantankerous. But as you can see from above "first school photo" (umm, in my day, I don't think we started this until kindergarten, but whatever)

It's all worth it.

Any Day Now...

2008-05-03T07:53:00.000-07:00

arggh, I've been waiting to post because I was hoping to have some really good news about a new house for us...but it looks like we won't really know for a while yet (how long can negotiations over this house go on????)

Anyway, it is now official -- Jack has 3 words!! Our doc told us that at 15 months (and today is the big day) he should really have 3 words that he uses consistently. And he's been pretty far away from that for a while. I wasn't really worried -- he's been late on most of his milestones, but when he gets them, he GETS them.

So he took the past 3 days (um, nothing like cutting it close to deadline, right?)to suddenly consistently use the following 3 words: bus, bye-bye and dada.

Does anyone but me notice a certain omission from that list??

I'd blog more but I have to go cry now. MAMA (who?) is signing off.

Swinging maniac...

2008-04-22T06:48:00.001-07:00

God, he loves a swing. We can't get him out of the thing. I'm trying to remember the last time I felt as happy as he looks in this picture...it was probably this past Sunday when B. slept in until almost 9am!!! Insanity!!

We had taken him to Passover seder the evening before in the Hamptons, and he was up carousing until the wee hours (which for him means 9:30pm), eating leavening-free cookies, etc. You know how it is...anyway, it is extremely fun to now have a baby who can actually attend an evening event, sit in a high chair (for a brief period of time, anyway), and have an intelligent political discussion.

Okay, so the last part was maybe just my imagination. But still, I'm super proud of our little guy who is finally socially acceptable in many, if not all, situations!

I'm sorry

2008-04-14T16:05:00.000-07:00

But this is too f***ing hilarious.

I've really been trying to avoid posting anything from one of my daily web spots,I Can Has Cheezburger,but in honor of the upcoming elections, I had to feature this heroic cat.

And internet, if I have to explain how funny of any of this is to you, we can't be friends anymore. Seriously.

PS new pic from Brooklyn flea over at Sisters J

Thursday morning musings...

2008-04-10T07:17:00.000-07:00

Scott and I have really re-discovered those early morning hours. We're so used to being up super early that now we can actually think at those hours. Before medical school (and okay, even during for a lot of the time) I was a strictly no-thinking-before-10am-type of girl.

But just today I was marveling at the many thought-provoking and meaningful conversations Scott and I have in the morning after we drop B. off at daycare! Why, just this morning we covered:

1) Whether if, when the apocalypse does come, only the disturbing sounds of cockroaches and Wiggles DVDs will remain. You see, the Wiggles DVDs automatically play over and over and over again -- they don't have a setting for this like some of the "educational" Baby Einstein ones do. So, you don't have to feel the guilt by re-setting them yourself while you baby drools and stares vacantly at the screen (for another half hour!) Those Wiggles will go on playing in perpetuity, and you don't even have to press a button!

2) If it would be at all possible to hire a certain personal trainer, J., at our gym. It is not that either of us are at all interested in having a personal trainer personally train us. But -- we do have a lot of uses for an enormous, muscle-bound woman. For instance, we used to have a neighbor that would leave their garbage cans lying around all day long. With garbage in them sometimes. Sometimes they would roll around our street, making interesting garbage-can banging sounds (oooh, add that sound to our post-apocalyptic soundscape!) on the walls of our house. If we hired J., would she come over and toss the cans gorilla-style into our neighbor's yard? Could we get her to make a rar noise while she did it?

3) And finally, Scott noted that I have no knowledge of classic rock. As a matter of fact, he astutely pointed out that whenever a classic rock song comes on the radio and he chances to ask me who it is, I immediately reply, "I think it's the Eagles." On pondering this response, we have both realized that I do not know any Eagles songs, I do not even know what they remotely sound like. And yet, I consistently attribute every song from a certain era to this band, a magnificent band, I'm sure.

As you can clearly see, the art of conversation lives on after baby.

Yeppers, them there's some high quality thinkin'.

I can only pray that B. inherited my sarcasm gene.

Back

2008-04-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

Many apologies for the slacker-dom. I've been busy lately, finishing up the teaching, and B. was a little sick -- minor cough, nothing to worry about, just enough to keep him out of daycare and running around here all day!

I've been meaning to sit down for some time now and think about this big deal, the end of breastfeeding. In the beginning, there was just no end in sight. B. ate about every 45 minutes for so many months, I just thought it would never get better. But it did, slowly.

By a year, he was down to 4-5 feedings a day. And boy, were they quick. In the beginning he would hang out there for what seemed like days...I guess it was really only half an hour.

And now it's over. I don't get to look down into that little face anymore. You do lose a connection, but at the same time, I feel more confident now that he's looking for me, or crying for me because he wants me, you know? It's kind of a relief to not be the actual, physical source of food, for god's sake.

It's more than a little relief. I should make a list of all the things I won't be dealing with for a long-ass time: no breast pump, no leaking, no rushing home every 3 hours, no avoiding alcohol, no freaking out that the pumped milk supply is too low...uh, trust me, I could go on but I'll spare those of you who may actually have an interest in doing this in the future.

Anyway...goodbye, breastfeeding! It was fun...and rewarding...and maybe B. won't get asthma because of it...but I'm feeling very good about turning the page on this mom chapter.

Ridiculously Great Day...

2008-04-04T18:44:00.000-07:00

I planned on blogging a little bit about the wonders (and sadness!) of not breastfeeding anymore -- it's been a week and a half since B.'s last boob. However, instead, I have to recount how AWESOME today was so that next year I can look back at this post and know that again, one day, I will have this...

Did I spend an amazing day with my baby? Nooooo...Did Scott and I finally have a whole day to just relax and talk to each other?....um, not that either.

I had a full-on super selfish all-about-me day. I had an hour-long body massage. I finally got that shorter haircut I've been planning on since 2006. Seriously. And now...while Scott fulfills various social obligations, I'm totally sitting in my sweatpants, watching "The Descent" and eating cookies.

If I feel up to it, I might just pause the movie and get some ice cream. I mean, if I feel up to it.

I'll post more about my "feelings" about the end of the breast tomorrow. Oh, did I mention that I had a ONE HOUR BODY MASSAGE??????

B. and his new toy

2008-04-02T20:43:00.001-07:00

Some pictures of B. enjoying his celebratory-I'm-done-breastfeeding-present. (Where's my present?) More pics at Sisters J.

The extra springing action he gets from boinging off the bag allows him to really show his dada the pain.

Tiger Beat for Babies

2008-04-01T14:13:00.000-07:00

Finally! I like to drive Scott crazy by hanging magazine shots, Teen Magazine style, over B.'s crib. I think it's hilaaaarious...and now I've found a new awesome shot. Get ready to drool (ha ha, I'm so funny! Get it -- babies drool -- drool, ha!) below:

B. has had a mad crush on Suri Cruise since the day she flew in from whatever crazy country/orphanage her parents purchased her from. And he says he wouldn't throw Shiloh Jolie-Pitt out of his crib, either (I kid! I kid!)

Bow Down Before the Bubble God

2008-03-29T15:47:00.001-07:00

Typical Saturday around here. B. had his "Birds" class at the Little Gym first thing in the morning. Well, actually, B. decided to get the two of us out of bed super early today (oh, the joys) so 9am was practically mid-morning.

B's class basically consists of 8 babies rolling around on hilarious "gym" equipment -- like bouncy spring boards, small balance beams, parachutes, etc. Essentially, it's a huge padded room so that we can let him run around and go insane for 45 minutes.

It's fun -- but the best part comes at the end. You can see the babies start to look at each other anxiously at around 9:40, 5 minutes before class is over. B. actually starts to physically shake, no joke. All of a sudden, the "gym instructor" (I know, right?) bursts out of the back room with this thing called a bubble machine. It ejects about 8.9 million bubbles at a velocity that literally blows B's two strands of hair backwards. Seriously, he's straining into the force of the bubble flow just to stand up.

They f**ing love it. Not even being facetious here, several infants usually crap their diapers out of excitement. There is much shrieking when the bubble machine has to return to its secret back room. It's why we come back and pay the ridiculous fee every week. That and the ability to see Jack perform such maneuvers as the "Flag Pole", "Helicopter", and the dangerous, perhaps soon to be banned by the Olympic Baby Committee, "Sack of Potatoes."

B.'s Nursery

2008-03-28T06:06:00.000-07:00

I've posted a few pictures of B.'s nursery on my other blog, Sisters J. Take a look!

Today I sing the praises of daycare...

2008-03-28T05:49:00.000-07:00

It's 9am, and B. is in daycare (again). We were really scared at first, leaving him with a room full of strangers. And he didn't make it easy -- he would scream, scream, scream as we tried to walk out the door.

We would call and check every 2 hours (and the first two weeks he was only there 2 hours so I guess we were calling every half hour). His caretakers would tell us that they were taking turns holding them, that he was crying. One of them told me that "he seems angry." Ya think? We would go to pick him up and they would have him in a stroller, pushing him around the room to keep him calm. It basically broke our hearts.

It took about a month (probably because we were only using it very rarely, to try and ease him in) but today, they should have a poster of B. on the wall -- he's a total daycare success story. When we go to get him, he kind of just glances up, and sometimes if he's feeling magnanimous he'll toddle on over to show us whatever toy he's playing with. He still cries for a minute or two when we leave, but he stops before we even get out the door.

I really have to credit the incredible place that we take him to, which is the University and University hospital's daycare. It is "family-style", which means although he is in a group of 4 infants, he shares a large group of rooms with children that are older. The other thing I like is that there are the 4 main "teachers" in our room, but there are also interns or aids, so B. literally has 2 caregivers at all times -- every time we show up, he looks extremely happy and is always doing something fun. All of the women who care for him are amazing, and they really seem to love him. It's a great place.

And he's learned so much! He's learning words, to be a better walker, and to just be more confident and brave around other people and babies. I was super worried about having to use daycare at first, but I think it's the best thing we've done. Scott and I talked about having someone in the house, but, honestly, it just made us nervous -- one person with all that responsibility is a little hard to imagine for us right now. I'm much more confident with him in a room of people who care for him, taking turns, and helping each other out.

Okay, he does get disgustingly sick like every 2 weeks...nothing serious, just colds pretty much. Actually, he's been sicker from the indoor playspace we take him to (just be glad I wasn't writing this blog during the great diarrhea/flu incident of December '07). I guess that's the daycare price you pay -- we're hoping it gets better soon, but at least Scott and I haven't been sick, and he did have a nice month-long stretch of no sickness in March.

All in all, we're happier every day with our childcare situation. I'll definitely have to see how it works come July when we may have to rely on it more than 3 half-days a week.

The highs and lows...

2008-03-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

Well, today is one of those days -- when you think you have hours ahead of you to get stuff done and they just kind of disappear...B. is in daycare today until 2, Scott had a meeting with his editor in the city. Somehow, I'm still at the beginning of my to-do list and it's noon.

High: look at this delicious blood orange! Trader Joe's was having a sale on these Spanish oranges...I got a bunch. We'll definitely have a spinach salad tonight with them (yay spring, yay Trader Joe's!), and maybe I'll make some blood-orange syrup for later desserts...

For the lows, check out the blog that my sister and I write, Sisters J. Let's just say a certain fuschia crayon and I will do battle this afternoon.

My year off, and class today

2008-03-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

So I know I often refer to the fact that I have "taken a year off" to be with B. before residency.

That's not really true -- in this year I had to stay busy to be a good candidate for a competitive residency (radiology) so I also got an MPH (Master's in Public Health), completed my research in the department of radiology, and I teach an ethics course in the medical school.

So it never seems like there's enough time...but I know it's nothing compared to what is to come in July.

For my class today, I had two female docs come in to talk about being a doctor and a mom in a "nontraditional" family setting. The first, a wonderful psychiatrist who also lectures heavily in our pharmacology course (and has an amazing sense of humor -- I mean, I was dying) raised two step-children when she married a divorced researcher/professor.

The other is a critical care pediatrician who I really respect, who has two boys with her female partner (via in vitro fertilization).

Both excellent speakers -- it was great to hear them speak about their families and their work; it's amazing how universal it all really is.

And at the same time, it's so different for the peds doc -- I can't even imagine feeling the way she and her partner did for years, that they couldn't let friends and family know about their relationship, that they couldn't share that. And to know that they have to worry about what people may say to their kids one day about having two moms; I think every parent feels HORRIBLE pain when they imagine their baby getting picked on, or harassed. Their oldest boy is just getting to that age when he's starting to wonder; I'm imagining the explanations they'll give, and hoping that she continues to find the welcoming, non-judgmental community she seems to have found so far here.

At the same time, it's nice, though, to compare notes and realize that parenting is parenting; we all have our individual circumstances and struggles -- but it's awesome when someone knows exactly what you mean when you complain about lugging that freaking 20 lb. breast pump bag around for a year.

How to do it all

2008-03-25T08:36:00.000-07:00

I would have to say that as soon as anyone finds out I had a baby during medical school, they usually shake their heads (out of pity or amazement, probably both) and ask this question. "God, how do you do it?"

I don't have a good answer. I guess that's what I'm hoping this blog will help me figure out. It's nearly impossible for anyone to get a bird's-eye view during those first few months of new-babydom. For me, it was only after about 6 months that I first felt like I was coming out of a fog, that I realized that my life could go on with some semblance of the way it used to be. And at the 1-year mark (just passed! Yay!) I realized that not only was everything going to be "ok", but that I could even do this again -- and that now my days were joy, pure joy.

Don't get me wrong. Some days I can't believe there's another 3 hours to go until B.'s second nap. And also, in the early days, I did feel lots of pure joy, and not for one second did it even occur to me that I had a mistake; I never wished for a thing to change -- except maybe for one full night of un-interrupted sleep (that happened at 6 and 1/2 months.)

So how do/did I do it? Not close to perfectly, maybe not even well. Not like how I imagined it would be. Taking this year off to spend with B. was probably one of the best decisions of my life. I do need to examine this more -- especially since I actually teach a class to medical students on "Parenting for Professionals"! I know all of the logistical answers -- when is the best time during medical school, what are the rules regarding time off, what are the childcare options available at the hospital, etc...but most weeks, my class examines the pull that we all feel -- a room of perfectionists, realizing that, no matter what we all thought before having children, you can't have it all in the way that we imagined. There is no way to avoid feeling a loss, a terrible pull every morning you leave for work. AND -- there is likewise no way to avoid that feeling of relief when you know that you will have a day away, a day where you will be "working" in a different way, a day that you will not be responsible for dirty diapers (well, at least not your child's), play dates, trying to find something B. will eat, etc. There's two sides to everything.

It's coming

2008-03-24T21:01:00.000-07:00

It's official. Almost officially official. I have exactly 84 days left before I begin my residency, a year of Internal Medicine followed by 4 years of Diagnostic Radiology.

84 days -- until I wear the long white coat, until it's me that will be taking care of hundreds (hundreds!) of patients.

And I've had an amazing, luxurious year off before this residency. I did it all -- I did my four years of med school, I passed all the exams, I scored a competitive radiology spot.

And I had a baby! So I took this year and spent it with him, and with my wonderful S. And I can't believe it's ending.

Every day will be so different.

This blog is my attempt to understand my own balancing act; how will I handle it? How will it work to go from mornings waking up with B. and S. (okay, S. really handles the early mornings, I'm lucky that way) to waking up at 4am to get to the hospital, to likely spend the next 16 hours away from them, to come home and be lucky if B. is still awake?

I'm hoping to explore what happens, and to keep a record. And to make myself more aware of what I'm here for, what I'm doing all of this for, by intentionally forcing reflection.

So after June 16, posts will hopefully happen on a weekly basis -- hopefully! And before June 16, I'll use this space to chronicle how wonderfully happy I am, to again have a touchstone for the months when it is not all so wonderful.